Never in my life have I had a worse feeling...
As a mom you always want to protect your children. When something happens to them you feel responsible... doesn't matter the circumstances- you feel responsible...
A few days ago, while in Hawaii, we were heading down the escalator after breakfast. We were about halfway down when Sierra, who was standing next me, sat down on the step. I paused, wondering why she would sit right there but really didn't think anything of it. As the escalator continued moving I noticed her body was turning and realized that her foot was stuck. As she started crying I picked her up and rushed down the rest of the steps to see where she'd been hurt.
Most parents can distinguish their children's crys. The I'm embarrassed cry is different from the I'm scared cry which is different from the I'm hurt cry. Let me tell you, the cry that came from my baby was one I'd never heard before, from either of my girls- ever!
I knew that she was hurt badly but when Marcus and I examined her we didn't find anything. He was holding her so that she was facing me, we had taken her socks off to make sure she still had all her toes, we noticed she had a bruise on her thigh, but that was it.
I wanted to breath a sigh of relief but her cry wouldn't let me. Marcus turned her towards him so she could rest her head on his shoulder and as soon as she was facing him I saw it, blood. My stomach dropped and for a split second I thought I would break down. The back of Sierra's ankle was cut- deep. I showed Marcus and he ran w/ Sierra down to security while Charlie and I ran to get the car. I pulled up in front of the hotel and the valet guys were expecting me. They told me that the on-call doctor was on his way but Marcus and I decided we couldn't wait and would drive Sierra to the doctor's office.
While we were driving I suddenly remembered an email I got years ago when Charlie was Sierra's age. It was about crocs and escalators and told a story about some kid whose foot had gotten mangled when his croc was sucked into the escalator and the impending court case against the croc shoe company (I don't remember all the details but I do remember dismissing the email and assuming the kid was playing around on the escalator or doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing when he got hurt and the lawsuit was without merit).
When we got to the doctor's office they took us back and numbed Sierra's ankle so they could flush out her wound. As they did I could see the white of her tendon, but thank God her tendon hadn't been cut. They gave her a few stitches and some stickers and sent us on our way.
Sierra is doing fine. In fact she's been fine for days now. She's running and playing and aside from the fact that I have to clean and dress her wound twice a day you can't even tell that she had ever been hurt.
She's fine... I on the other hand am not.
I can not get rid of this pit in my stomach and the guilt that I have over the fact that I'm supposed to make sure things like this don't happen. I mean Sierra is damn near completely better, but my guilt is the same. It's the same today as it was when I first saw the blood, as it was when I could see her tendon in the doc's office, as it was that next day when she tried to limp around and got upset when we wouldn't let her walk. I just, I feel SO terrible. And I know it wasn't my fault. I know we couldn't have seen it coming. I know I'm a good mom... so why do I feel like a bad mom?
Seriously. My logic mind knows I shouldn't feel guilty. How do I get the rest of me to get the message?
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About Me
- Nikkie T
- Okinawa, Japan, by way of Southern California
- For our family and friends... A chronicle of our journey to a distant place... Hopefully to be filled with funny photos & amazing experiences (fingers crossed)... And to make us seem not so far away...
12 comments:
Glad your daughter is feeling better!!! Kids seem to bounce back quicker than adults. I am not a mother, but hope to be one at some point in my life. I can only imagine what you are feeling. Parents have special bonds with their children that are not always explainable. If my child was hurt I would feel the same way. . .but based on the pics and blogs you have written so far you are a good mother and seem to love your family very much. Your feelings will catch up with your mind, especially as you see your daughthers jumping around and having a good time or after they hug you and tell you you're the best mom in the world.
Oh Nicole, I can't say I know how you feel,cause I don't. But know this, you ARE a great mom. Nothing that happened was your fault. You didn't leave her unattended. She was right next to you. And like you said, she is fine. I feel you though. Any time something happens to Kazuri, I always feel that it's my fault, whether I'm there or not. That's what makes you a mom. When your children hurt, you hurt. And you continue to hurt, well after they have BEEN over it. I remember the first time Kazuri got shots. She cried for like 10 seconds. I was still wiping my tears away a 1/2 hour later. You will be fine, and try not to second guess yourself. I will call you soon. Luv u.
Ahki
Awwwh mama! I’m so glad Sierra is ok! I was nervous reading the story. You have to be one of the most awesome moms ever and you do know it. Remember, you said it yourself, it’s what you were born to do :). Again thank God she is ok but unfortunately you cannot protect your children from everything. We don’t get to control all situations and circumstances. This just may have been a little lesson in exactly that. What you can do is continue being the bomb mom you are and handle any and every situation that comes your way. That’s why God gave you all of that strength along with beauty and such a loving heart!
Ditto Morgan! Nicole as a mom-you rock and we all know it. Kids do manage to get themselves in amazing situations. Later on you will wonder how they survived-but they do. Maybe it's because they bounce when they fall. I wish I still could.
Love to all of you!
Damn Crocs...I never liked them!
I can imagine how you feel, Nikki. If it makes you feel any better, let me share my story with you. I was probably about 4 or 5 years old with my mom in JC Penney and I sat down on the escalator despite her demands that I stand up. We got to the bottom of the escalator and my bottom - pants, skin, and all - got stuck in the escalator and made it come to a screeching halt. Imagine me, screaming at the top of my lungs, can't stand up because I'm stuck, and dozens of shoppers staring in horror. Someone had to come cut my pants off of me to get me out. I was fine, but I'm sure my bottom was sore for a while. I know my poor mom wanted to crawl into a hole. Neither one of us has ever forgotten it and I think about it every time I get on an escalator. And that was decades before crocs existed!
I think Morgan said it best --
You are a fabulous mom and though this was a bad day, it does not make you a bad person or a bad mom. If only we could be as resilient as our children! I am happy Sierra is better and I pray the same for you :)
Oh...please change the name of this blog right away! Nothing could be further than the truth.
Beyond that, crocs are hideous. Maybe this should keep you from ever letting your kids wear them again! :)
love you.
Awwww Nik! I'm glad that Sierra is doing better, so sorry to hear what happened. Now as a mother i feel your pain. As for being a bad mom, that truly can't be.. if that's the case i'll have no one to continue to model my mothering after. But remember mommies are made to kiss the boo-boo's and make the child feel as if it never happen. Your spirit will be in my prayers.
ohmygod--i was just checking in to say hi and read this. unimaginably frightening and so grateful it wasn't permanent damage.
love,
rose
Never wear crocs... the scars can heal but pictures of fashion mistakes can haunt a person forever.
Ian
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